NFL All-Mammal Team
Professional football is not a sport for the average mammal AKA the majority of us who sit on our couches, stuffing our faces and drinking elite alcohol each weekend while catching up on games.The NFL is dominated by super mammals. In one of the greatest rap songs ever made, Da Rockwilder, Redman belts out, “Lift my shirt, all mammal.” The All-Mammal Team is for the alpha mammals. This particular list is for the savages who enter beast mode and impose their will on opponents each week. This glass of Jameson is provided by a hairy-chested American and will be one for all those who play football with their chest out.
Indianapolis Colts Offensive Guard Quenton Nelson
If you’re a part of Football Twitter, I know you’ve seen the video of Nelson flying around the corner, executing a pull block and demolishing the Jaguars’ Barry Church as he lets out a Bear-like growl -- the screaming is an edit but he really comes through the paint like Tarzan ready to wreck shit. NFL.com’s Brian Baldinger’s already labeled him the best guard in football. Can’t argue that as the rookie became the first guard to win the NFL’s Rookie of the Month (2018) and has spearheaded a Colts offensive line that’s kept oft-sacked Andrew Luck off the turf and has made tailback Marlon Mack look like a future star. The paves have been cleared in Indianapolis thanks to this massive human snowplow.
Philadelphia Eagles Wide Receiver Golden Tate
A fearless Mammal, Tate charges through defenses like a wild coyote. He consistently challenges the monsters in the middle of the field, making tough catches in traffic and has been a complete dog after the catch (289 yards through nine games), who either barrels through arm tackles or evades trouble with a host ankle-breaking’ moves. Defenders may look at him as prey, but trust me Tate is the predator.
New York Football Giants Running Back Saquon Barkley
Barkley eats opposing defenders for breakfast, lunch and dinner, choosing to embarrass them by jumping over them, running through them or using his sleek feet to put forth a dance move that would make Omarion proud -- ya we watched the O video about 1,000,000 times. A battering rim with a Greek-God like physique, Barkley leads the league in yards after catch, compiling 602 through Week 12. He’s also been nearly impossible to tackle, as opponents have to revert to gang tackling in order to get Barkley The Beast to the ground. One time for the All-Mammal Rookie of the Year.
San Francisco 49ers Tight End George Kittle
Any fifth-round pick that flourishes into a superstar by his second-year embodies what we mean by All-Mammal. Kittle is gritty. He serves opponents a face full of whoop ass every time he presses the stiff-arm button. He relishes blocking, dominating opponents at the line of scrimmage. And he’s second in the NFL in yards after the catch, totaling 546 of his 823 yards post reception.
Chicago Bears Linebacker Khalil Mack
I may be the only person who thinks Oakland made a smart decision by trading Mack. They’ve got the future in the palm of their hands in Arden Key, a pass rusher built in the mold of Von Miller and should be in line for a top three pick in 2018, which should land them another elite edge rusher --this may be the deepest class of defensive linemen in NFL history. Nonetheless, Mack is the mammal of all mammals. A mammal so mammalish the other mammals quiver in fear whenever he comes around. Since landing in Chicago, Mack’s been a gamebreaker for the Monsters of the Midway. He’s routinely beaten double teams with combination of Herculean-strength, elite hand quickness and a motor that never quits. He tallied 8.0 sacks, five vicious forced fumbles, three pass deflections, a pick and a touchdown through his first nine games. And he’s embodied the NFL’s version of Chicago’s very own Chief Keef, turning into a living legend in the city upon arrival. Mack’s 3hunna, mane.
Los Angeles Rams Defensive Tackle Aaron Donald
Donald is the best player in the NFL. When teams try to block him one-on-one, (a rare occasion) he either overpowers them with his cinderblock-like hands or uses a swim move to make them look foolish and glide by offensive linemen as they fall flat on their faces-- funny thing about the swim move is it’s the most effective for smaller guys even though coaches will lie to you and tell you it’s not. Whenever he’s double teamed, the defensive tackle busts through blockers as if he’s the Hulk running through a brick wall. It’s honestly insane. Through Week of 12 of 2018, he’s first in the NFL in sacks (14.5) and that’s as an inside rusher -- that is not normal, please call Animal protect services. Ask Justin Britt of the Seahawks what it’s like when this massive mammal gets two paws on you. It ain’t pretty.
Baltimore Ravens Safety Eric Weddle
The legendary fur on Weddle’s face is no longer there but it still would’ve made a Chinchilla jealous. Not only did Weddle don the waviest beard in the NFL, he’s a 33-year old savage who welcomes physicality, routinely knocking opponents into next week and laying wood from his deep safety spot. Through Week 12 of 2018, he’s tallied 52 tackles and a sack. Weddle’s not showing any signs of decline and could probably give you a few tips on which R&B joints to play and how to properly manicure your facial wolf.
Kansas City Chiefs Running Back Kareem Hunt
To be quite frank, the All-Mammal team was inspired by Hunt. It seems like every week, he’s dragging defenders and treating 240-pound men like ragdolls while shrugging them off and galloping to paydirt. The video below is really the highlight-reel for super mammals across America. I don’t even think stats do him justice, just feast your eyes on the visuals.