Lessons In Love On Valentine's Day 2019
This is my first piece specifically for Valentine’s day. I wasn’t sure what to write about since I’m a self-proclaimed relationship expert (and typically can’t objectively evaluate my own). But then I thought… girl, you low-key be knowing.
I’m in my first real relationship. I have a partner. For the first time I have to consider what I need, what she needs, and what WE need. I think people assume that they know exactly what they need and want prior to ever receiving it. After years of someone doing you dirty (or multiple people), you think, I just need someone who won’t _____. After not getting what you want, you just want someone who will give it to you. The biggest issue with seeking what you couldn’t find in one lover is a combination of tunnel vision and limited self-awareness. You have no idea who you’ll become once you receive the words of affirmation your previous partner never gave you, or if you’re capable of providing the love the new person needs. Are you ready for what you’re asking for? Have you ensured that without the newly fulfilled deficits your new bae is who you want? Go ahead and say yes…
I recently learned that in addition to the cliché things like trust and communication, every romance needs two (or more if that’s your thing) people who are willing to hold themselves accountable and respect their partner.
What good is trust or communication without accountability? If I can openly communicate with you and I trust you that’s great, but what about when that trust is betrayed? Are you willing to apologize? Can you confront the issue you’ve contributed to? Think about the last disagreement you had with your significant other/bae. How did the relationship get restored?
I frankly haven’t thought much about accountability until I got into a relationship. That’s the millennial way of dating – you just “talk” to people so you don’t ever have to be held accountable and meet expectations. You text, have sex, laugh, and maintain this moderate level of possession over the other person despite the fact that neither of you owe the other person anything. Lately, I’ve wondered how much of my decision to never settle down was rooted in avoiding responsibility. I can confidently claim more than 50% of that was fear of heartache, but was the remaining proportion due to fear of failing my significant other? Imagine carrying the shame that’s associated with inflicting pain on your partner. Take my word for it…it’s awful. It’s unfortunate that both respect and accountability are often swept under the rug. On the vehicle of romance, trust is the gas, communication is the steering wheel, respect is the gear shifter, and accountability is the key.
Without respect the other variables are nonexistent. There is no valuable relationship without respect. Respect your partner enough to admit you were wrong; respect them enough to communicate your needs and admiration; and respect him/her enough to trust that they also appreciate the bond you both share. This Valentine’s day consider the role of respect in your relationship. If it’s lacking, fix it. Whether you want to admit it or not, your relationship is a ticking time bomb without it. Trust me; I low-key be knowing.