A Guide To Protecting Your Clothes Post Cuffing Szn
Hope you heathens and succubusses enjoyed hoodie season. You know the annual part of the year in which many of you lay under, around, and next to someone who’s ready to waste your time. I know the end is near. Shit, we both know it’s coming. You ain’t foolin’ nobody talmbout this is the one, girllllllllllllllllllll, and all that other rhetoric you pull up out of the notes section of your Iphone everytime the weather dips below 50. You’re about to split, whether it be on your terms or his. However, there’s going to be slight changes to how the departure works this year. Yeen running off with all the premium apparel. No longer will our favorite articles of clothing go missing only to to be rediscovered on the Instagram story of someone who we no longer let use our Netflix account. We’re taking back our power and taking back our clothes with a few simple steps.
1. Hide The Good Clothes
Keeping your finest clothes in your closet isn’t what I’d call security. Shid, the drawer ain’t safe either. With that being said, let me break down this game tape and help you install your new defense. I’m not talmbout Adrien Broner’s version of it either, I’m talmbout 2000 Ravens with Ed Reed and Ray Lewis. A proactive defense. Now, scroll into your memory bank and remember the times in which the former “too comfortable” mamis you’ve entertained played dress up in your gear whilst snapping enough selfies to feed the streets for two seasons. Don’t be alarmed by how cute she looks in your threads, playa. Man up and invest in a chest. Now, I’m not talmbout a safe or some treasure island bullshit. You’re not Captain Black Sparrow. I’m talking about a simple chest you can store inside that bullshit closet in your apartment. You know the one where you store all the shit you’re never actually going to use. This is scientific, as she’s only willing to steal what’s in front of her face. Although she’s a sleuth on social media n shit, she’ll get tired after she can’t find the clothes during her first attempt. Think of it as Day Day running away from Baby D. She ain’t got the stamina, my boy.
2. Wake Up Early
I try to pride myself in being the first one up whenever I have company. Honestly, my biological clock is kinda fucked and since I’m up, I feel obligated to wake up whoever's in the vicinity. Frankly, one of the advantages of catching the worm, my early bird, is the fact you can watch your belongings at all times. Ain’t no sneaking around, looking for the good clothes. You’re up like a hawk, watching everything and I mean everything.
3. Say No
Ya’ll don’t be saying no. Shit, I have that problem sometimes as well. You know sometimes, you just don’t think about being finessed before it happens. You may find a request to be harmless and think it’s some lovey dovey shit, but bro I promise you, she’s much smarter than you and has been plotting for awhile. When she asked about trying on that sweatshirt, she was just sizing it up. You know a lil eye-ballin’ of the work before she runs off on the plug. I know you’d feel like an asshole for protecting your property and sending the request back like Jarrett Allen did LeBron -- so rude. But listen, playa, you’ll thank me later when she’s gone.